The Maze I am In

I walk through this maze of life and try to find my own mind, some peace among the chaos.  I am reading about Buddha and wonder if I already have these advocates these thoughts in me.  Are they buried with other thoughts from other people.  I think I have changed because others want me to and have.  Deep down I know I haven’t and I may be buried underneath them, my mind, my soul.  Will reading about this foreign thing to me change me.  I don’t think so probably just bring me back to myself and I’ ll have the peace of mind I so badly want.  Peace is truly finding oneself. and maybe coming back.

A State Of Mind, A State Of Being

Yes your state of mind affects what you do and how you perceive of Yourself.
When people criticized me I just knew that they were insecure or jealous.

When I had breast cancer surgery inn 2014 because of it I couldn’t do somethings until my arm healed. The bad part about this is I got into a state of thinking I couldn.t do some things. Truthfully I just realized that I can do somethings that I did before. I did the washing. Somebody else was. However it didn’t work out
because I was depressed and falling into a state of incompetence.
Now I realize that I can and ready to take the world on.

Alone In ACrowd

Ii was in a large crowd where everybody was having fun. However I Felt this void not being close to anybody.
Saturday night was just another night of being alone, nobody to go out with or to be with. I wanted another life.

I thought it was staying that things I didn’t really enjoy when I was with people.
However you came along and gave me love and comfort. I felt the closeness and the void was filled. I am not alone in a crowd.

My Value

My value is worth more than money. There’s no price on it. When I do things for others I feel good. When my soul and heart goes out to someone and I can feel for someone who has something bad happen to them like being robbed or mugged I can’t buy that feeling. I can only give it and help if I can.

A Mother who gives her children her time and understanding whether is talking to them or playing with them is giving something priceless
My daughter was an only child and she expressed the feeling to me or fear of losing me to causes. She read a story about a girl who’s Mother was active in causes and never home. The girl rebelled. My daughter called this kind of Mother a PTA Mother. I smiled almost in awe that my daughter would feel this way;. I assured her that I’d always be there for her and I wouldn’t be this. To tell you the truth I was glad.
I did things with her like going for walks. the park and playing games like monopoly and Trouble I think she really enjoyed this and felt fulfilled because of this. Time spent with her was worth more than money.

Yes I often think of this. My daughter is grown and not in the home now. I just thought of my husband and realize he may need my attention and to do things with him.

This Is Where I am

Where do I go from here. I feel as if I am just being taken apart. I had two surgeries in2014 because of breast cancer. Recently I had two surgeries on my eyes for cataracts. The healing process after breast cancer surgery was very uncomfortable sometimes painful.
The healing process of eye surgery is just uncomfortable and one of my eyes still itch.

One of me feels like I am falling apart at this age and some problem always comes up. Besides that I have suffered with depression for years. Yes I feel like this. However the other side of me feels like I have been given a new life and I have a stronger faith and relationship with God.

I am going to go through a rejuvenation starting with a new makeover. I have already thrown some of my makeup away and bought new. I don’t want to infect my eyes with old. I heard you can get infected by it. I am also trying to lose weight and eating less and staying away from foods that can make my blood sugar up and cancer causing.

This is nice but I know I have to take care of my spirit and live again and not be afraid. I’ll try to look on the positive side.

Mistakes I Didn’t Make

I can love deeply but I won’t compromise my beliefs and attributes that I know are right for me. I know you should embrace your partner and share in what he does and his beliefs. However if some of those will bring you down I wouldn’t.

One time I thought I was wrong but as I look back, I know now that I would have probably ended up as an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. Now the thought of being with them scares me. I often say that I took the vows seriously but they didn’t. Yes I was married to them.

I have since moved on and have had a long relationship with my present husband. We have been together for about thirty years. I must be doing something right. It hasn’t always been what I want. That is not what I mean. I have compromised. I found out that it takes work, on being with that person, sometimes understanding and patience from both.

Sometimes I have felt love and yes there was a time when I thought the love was gone. However I stayed and it came back. It still needs work but that is just part of life with someone. I attribute my staying is because I was raised in a strict Catholic environment. I have recently let that smart teenage girl back in me to make decisions.

Raindrops Falling

Pebbles of rain are falling on my window. I hear raindrops. I’ve always liked the sound of rain. Now more than ever since we have had a long drought that is still not over.

I read somewhere that rain is God’s way of cleaning, the stepping stones, the concrete and it makes the grass glisten. It reminds me of the beauty of nature

Yes raindrops are falling. The will put me into a peaceful sleep. All’s right with the heavens and I will embrace sweet dreams/